


Abnegation

by Gambe



Category: Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 05:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gambe/pseuds/Gambe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things don't always go the way we want or expect. Beatrice Prior knows it well. While still in her early fourteen's, her father wants her to marry Marcus Eaton's son, stealing her any chance to choose her fate. Now she can only hope that this Tobias guy will help her finish something that shouldn't had even started.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I still can’t believe it!

 

 My dad called me a few minutes ago to talk, alone. At first I was confused. He never hides anything from my mom or Caleb. Usually, he would have talked with me in front of everyone. But now I realize that they already knew.

 “You can’t do this to me! I still have that choice!” I try hard not to not to shout. I was told not to do since I’m a little girl. Raising my voice above the necessary can be as powerful and destructive as a kick or a punch. And violence is something that Abnegation can not stand.

 My dad and I have been here for a while now. Apparently he already has my whole life planned. As soon as I turn sixteen, my dad wants me to marry Marcus Eaton’s son. Tobias. How does he expect me to marry a boy that I don’t even know, is a mystery to me. One of the Abnegation rights is to choose who we want to marry with, and if we want to marry at all. Though or faction fully supports marriage and constitution of a family, nothing bad happens to the ones who chose to live alone. Of course that occasionally they receive a disapproval look from some of us, but that’s all.

 “I’m sorry, Beatrice but… it’s your duty. You’ll have to be selfless enough to do this. You have to think about the benefits that this will bring to our faction.” He tries to explain calmly.

 In my mind, his words follow paths that should be forbidden. Roads where my dad’s words became selfish, and strategically chosen. But it’s my dad we’re talking about, which make this thoughts sound even more stupid that they already are. There is no such thing as selfishness inside him. So, if my dad says that is for the good of our community, I just have to believe that his intentions are pure. This doesn’t mean that I accept it, though.

 “What benefits? What do you want from us exactly?”

 He takes my hands in his. Something that outside our door would be inappropriate, but in the safely of our own home, father care is sometimes needed and appreciated.

 “You are the future Beatrice. You and Tobias. Together, you can do great things. You could be our new leaders. Marcus’s son is a good boy. I’m sure you’ll gather well together”

 “That’s not the point. I’m only fourteen years old and you already want me to get married? I thought I could be with someone that I loved”

 I regret my words as soon as they cross my lips. My father’s expression is harsh. And if I look really deep inside those familiar eyes, I can see disappointment, and judgement. I know that what I said was selfish, but it’s what I feel inside. Maybe that means that I don’t really belong to this grey life.

 With steady and loud steps, he walks to the door. Before leaving he stops, not turning to me. “Marcus and his son are coming to dinner tonight, so you can meet each other. Please make me a favour, and stop thinking about yourself.” With that, he closes the door, leaving me alone with a prototype of my future.

 Maybe I should change faction. I still have two years to think about it, I can’t get married until I am, at least sixteen. When the time comes I can change faction, and it will be like nothing of this ever happen.

 But do I really want to forget that part of my life? My parents, Caleb, my moments as an Abnegation. Send all those memories to a dark corner of my mind, and lock them with an anti-feelings lock.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day is spent with my mom. I help her cleaning the house while she tells me everything she knows about that Tobias Eaton guy.

 Apparently he’s sixteen years old (My dad must be out of his mind if he thinks that boy will accept to marry someone two years younger, and that still looks like a ten year old.) I know that Tobias is tall. He has dark hair, almost black and blue eyes. My mother says that he’s handsome. She also said that he a loner. She doesn’t know why, but he spends his days at home. Not a lot of people have seen him.

 And that’s all I learned about the man that I will call my husband in a few years. Mom says that I’ll have to find the rest for myself. The base for a good relationship is the first moments where the couple is still discovering themselves. But for as hard as I try, I can’t see me and the mysterious boy as a couple.

 

* * *

 

 I’m helping Caleb with dinner, when I heard the knock. Mom smiles, and drags me to the door.

 “Ready to meet him?” She asks in a supporting voice.

 “Like I have a choice.” My voice sounds a little more sarcastic than I would like, and is correct around here.

 She looks at me one last time before opening the door.

 The first person I see is Marcus. I already saw him a couple times, but to be honest, I always had a weird feeling about him. I try to ignore it though. I know that Marcus is a horned Abnegation.

 Behind Marcus, a tall figure struggles to hide himself. His black hair and blue eyes give him away. I immediately know that I have Tobias Eaton in front of me.

 I have to give my mother some credit. He is, in fact handsome. But that’s not enough to hide his tired and annoyed looks. I can’t blame him. He’s being forced to marry with someone that he just saw for the first time. Just like I thought, he doesn’t seem to like the idea very much.

 “Marcus, Tobias. I’m so glad you came.” Mom says kindly, as a good Abnegation she is.

“Good night Natalie. Thank you so much for receiving us.” Marcus replies in the same formal tone, although there’s something that makes it slightly different.

“Get in. It’s cold outside.”

 Tobias and Marcus get in. It can be just me, but I see Marcus do a little smile. Not a normal one though, it’s more like he just won a bet that he was absolutely sure he was going to win. It can be because this marriage will be good for him too. Join the children of two important figures of the government together, would bring power to all of us. If I merry Tobias, there will be a strong probability of becoming leaders. It already happen before, and it can happen again. And besides, our family’s voices would sound more loud and viable in the government.

 But isn’t this what Abnegation are always trying to forget about? Power? Isn’t that why we have it? _The power should be hold by the ones who doesn’t seek it._ That’s what I’ve always heard. With all this, all this power chase, we’re forgetting everything our faction teach us. And I don’t want to live like that.

 “Marcus, my friend. It’s so good seeing you again!” My father greets as soon as they cross the living room door. “And you Tobias! I haven’t seen you in ages. You’ve grown so much. You finally became a man.

 Tobias only nods. He’s not a friendly person to the ones around him. Just like mother said, he’s a loner.

 By the corner of the eye, I see Caleb getting in. I notice that he tries to keep a low profile, like he always does, actually. He knows that this isn’t his moment, so he doesn’t need to be noticed.

 In a very subtle way, Marcus makes some kind of sign to his son. What he says next looks like it was trained countless times, until it was nothing less than perfect.

 “Good evening everyone. I haven’t presented myself properly. I’m Tobias Eaton.

 To my surprise, Tobias holds his hand for me to shake it. The rules say that we’re not allowed to have any kind of fiscal contact in public. Especially with someone that we don’t even know.

 I look at my mom with a help request in my eyes. I know that only her can lead me to the right way. She nods with a smile on her lips. It’s good to know that my embarrassment amuses her.

 “Beatrice Prior” I say simply.

 “Pleasure to meet my fiancée”

 I can feel the sarcasm in his voice. And once again, sarcasm isn’t well seen around here. But I can’t say anything about it. I do the same, once in a while. At least we have something in common.

 “I can say the same” My voice sounds a little more challenging than I expected.

 We keep our hands together for longer than necessary. None of us dares to break the contact. We look at each other like we’re waiting for the other to break down. We see the other as a threat, and we have to prove who’s stronger.

 “Very well.” My mother lays her hand o my back, softly. Her touch reminds me of who I am, and what I’m doing. “Let’s go to the dining room. I’m sure dinner’s ready”

 My father and Caleb walk to the living room, followed by Marcus and his son.

 “Wait a second” My mom makes me stop, turning me to her. “You know it could be worse, right? I mean…” She comes closer to me, and whispers so only I can hear. “I told you he was handsome”

 It’s the second time she tells me that. I start to doubt her sanity. We’re not supposed to notice this kind of things. That’s why we hide our beauty.

 “Let’s go Beatrice. It’s rude to keep people waiting.

 She flashes me a little smile, and walks me to the living room, so I can help her.

 All that makes me thing about my future life. What happens if I merry Tobias? I guess this will be my life. I’ll have to be a good Abnegation, a respectable member of our community, a good wife for Tobias… a good mother.

 “Mom” I call taking a few dishes that were in the counter with me. “If I merry Tobias…”

 “When you merry him” She interrupts. She seems to gain conscience of her words. “I’m sorry my daughter, but you have to do it. I do share the opinion that you should be able to choose but… it’s your duty”

 I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself.

 “When I merry him… will we have to… be parents?”

 She turns to me with the chicken tray still in her hands, and analyzes me for a moment before answering.

 “You know the rules Beatrice. You may or may not have children. That’s something you’ll have to discuss with Tobias. But the community, and specially your father and I would like it. Anyway, it’s too soon to think about it.

 She looks at me one last time before going to the dinning room and I follow her quietly. I have to show Tobias that I can be a good wife. Not because I want to be, but because of this unspoken competition.

 

The dinner goes without any trouble, and with a lot of unspoken words in the air. Tobias and I exchange a few looks. We’re trying to get used to each other’s presence. Mom is right. It could have been much worse.

 In the end of our dinner, we all walk to the living room. Normally, this would be the time of the day were my parents listen to what Caleb and I have to say. But tonight is different. We’re all allowed to talk. But I’m sure that Tobias and I won’t need that alteration. I have nothing to say, and he doesn’t talk at all. If I haven’t heard him presenting himself, I would have supposed he was mute.

 By the corner of the eye I see Marcus and my father nodding to each other. That can’t be good.

 “Beatrice, why don’t you go show Tobias your room? That way maybe you can start to get to know each other.” My father suggests.

 Well, that’s surprising. Is he suggesting that Tobias and I, strangers until now, spend time in a room, alone? I don’t know why, but I’m almost sure that goes against, at least one of Abnegations rules.

 “The two of them? Like… alone?” Caleb asks. I don’t know if I’m right, but I swear that I can see rage in his perfect Abnegation eyes.

 “Yes. I can’t see why not.  As soon as she completes sixteen, your sister and my son will be a married couple.” Marcus replies. I notice a little smile, and I don’t like it. But I try not to judge. That would be incorrect.

 I can see in Caleb’s eyes that it’s not over yet. He doesn’t agree with this. But what can he do? Even I can’t do anything, and I’m directly involved.

 I don’t know if I want to stay in the same room as Tobias. At least not alone. I still don’t trust him. Maybe that has to do with the fact that I just met him, or maybe it’s because he’s taking away the chance to control my future. I still have a lot of question about him though, but not enough to lock myself with him between four walls.

 “I don’t think we have a choice.” Tobias says. I didn’t notice he was so close to me, so I jump when he speaks.

 “Maybe you’re right.” I get up under my brother’s careful look. “Follow me”

 I lead him up stairs, leaving my family and Marcus behind. If their plan walks on straight lines, soon I’ll have to start seeing Marcus as family.

 I guide Tobias to my room, and open the door.

 “You may come in”

 He gets in slowly.

 “What a surprise. It’s just like my room” Tobias says, a bit of sarcasm present in his voice.

 “That’s the beauty of being Abnegation. Every thing’s the same.” I answer with a sigh, as I sit by the edge of my bed, grey like all other, my hands folded in my lap.

 I can see Tobias analyzing the situation. He’s just as uncomfortable as I am. A few seconds later, he sits in the chair that all of us have in our bedrooms, facing me.

 The following five minutes are spent in silence. We don’t know what to say. In a way, we blame the other for what’s happening, when we should be supporting each other. It’s the right thing to do. But I feel like we still have a long way ahead of us.

 “You don’t like this either, do you?” Tobias finally asks.

 I look up, only to find his blue eyes staring at me. I nod.

 “Not even a little. Nothing against you, of course, but… I thought I would have a chance to decide that part of my life”

 I see him clenching his jaw. He blames me, just like I blame him. I know that I shouldn’t, but I can do nothing about it.

 “It’s not my fault” I say between teeth. Something unconscious, but I don’t mind. Rage runs in my veins, along with adrenaline and confidence.

 Tobias keeps staring at me. I can’t help but notice that he’s being a little rude.

 “I know. But I can’t avoid it” His expression changes as he speaks.

 “I know the feeling. If you didn’t exist, I wouldn’t be engaged at the age of fourteen.

 I see a little smile on his lips. This is the first time I truly see him smiling. It’s a good picture. “Technically, we’re not engaged yet. I still have to do the official proposal.”

 “Take your time. There’s no rush”

 He looks at me again. I really can’t decode his thoughts. I wonder if I ever will.

 “When my father told me that I had to merry with you, I shouted for the first time I my life.” Tobias says, staring the floor. His hands are folded on his lap, just like mine. By his posture, I can see that it’s really hard for him to be telling me this. “I told him that he couldn’t do this to me. That I still had the right to chose for myself. That’s when he hit…” Tobias stops talking, and looks at me like I’m some sort of ghost. His eyes are wide open, and his teeth nibble is lower lip. And even not telling me the rest of it, I have a huge need to comfort him.

 “I had the same reaction when my father called me this morning for our little chat. When he told me, it took me everything I had to stay calm. I didn’t want to freak out.”

 Tobias rose from his chair, only to start passing around the room, almost making a hole on the floor. He runs his hands trough his hair, as I hear the sound of his speeded steps.

 “Can’t they see that this is a huge mistake?” Tobias’s voice is tough and loud. Maybe they can hear him downstairs. But if they do, no one comes up here to see what’s wrong. “We’re young. We barely know each other. And most important of all, we are not going to change anything!”

 “And what do you plan to do about it?”

 I can see his little smile when he answers. “I can leave Abnegation, Beatrice.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Around me, I hear the melodic steps of my faction family. A symphony played by a crowd that fights to look like an individual.

 I’ve ever been as never as nervous about the choosing ceremony, as I am now. I always thought that I would only be this anxious in my own Ceremony. But fate has other plans for me.

 When I make my way to sit next to Caleb, the memories of the last weeks’ events glow in my mind. Since that night, Tobias and I have seen each other almost everyday. Not because we want to, but because our parents think that it will helps us as a couple. At first we looked like a cat and dog that are forced to get along because they’re part of the same family now. We shouted with each other for no reason at all. We could never agree with the simplest things. It was like we were a troubled couple, not far from the divorce papers, and we’re not even married yet. But then we concluded that shouts and divergences would lead us no where. If we’re in this mess, at least let’s be in it together.

 It was with a lot of effort and patience that we got to where we are now. We sill don’t like the idea of getting married, but we agreed that we could, at least try to be something close to friends. The first time the theme “friends” came up, I can almost swear that I saw Tobias’s eyes sparkle. He looked at me like I said the most surprising thing in the world.

 I remember him asking, wide eyed. “F-Friends?”

 “Something like that” I answered, without enough courage to look him in the eye. “Anything would be better than what we have now. We’re enemies that have no reason to hate each other. We were dragged to this. And right now, the best way out is working together. And if that passes through a friendship… so be it.

 When I finished my little speech, I felt a huge weight being released from my chest. I don’t want to fight with this boy. Not like this. Not for something that we can’t control.

 Tobias nodded before he got back to the scratch he was making before I started talking. In our faction, only kids draw. For us, art is a waste of time, so when we reach a certain age, the crayons are boxed, and the kids are forced to grow up. But Tobias has such a talent to draw what’s on his soul, that I let him keep a scratchpad and crayons in my room, to when our parents force us to spend time together. It’s risky for me, but I love to see his drawings. They’re full of unspoken rage and contained feelings, but that only makes them more beautiful.

 We haven’t fought since. Instead, we traced little plans to get rid of this marriage that none of us asked for. We came up with some ideas, but none of them could be arranged without hurting someone we love. Of course that Tobias always played the card “I’m going to change faction”. When I asked him if he didn’t care about the pain that he would cause to his father, he only answered that Marcus wouldn’t care. At first, I thought he was mad with his father for making him marry me. But along the way, I noticed that there’s something else there. I don’t know what it is, but something tells me that as soon as I find out, all the pieces will come to place.

 There, in the middle of the Choosing Ceremony, I see that I’m not the only one who’s nervous.  Around me, concerned expressions make themselves notice among the others. People worried about a son, a brother. There are always transferences, and we don’t always know when someone we love his going to betray us.

 In a quick look, I see Tobias and Marcus in one of the front rows, and Tobias is looking at me. His expression is so neutral, that I don’t know why he’s staring at me. Maybe he’s making his decision. Last time I saw him, two days ago, I asked him what he was going to do in the moment where he would have to pour his blood, and chose his way. “I’m going to let my heart chose” He replied. “And he hasn’t made a decision yet.”

 I see Tobias whispering something to his father next to him, and getting up after his approval. When he passes next for me, he touches my back very slightly. Somehow, I know that he wants me to follow him. I don’t need much time to think if I should go or not.

 I apologize myself with the excuse that I have to go to the restroom, and get up before someone can oppose. Behind me, I feel my brother’s gaze making a hole in my back. He knows that I lied. He was a gift when it comes to these things. But I can’t worry about him now. Not if I want to help Tobias.

 When I cross the door that separates the Hall from the rest of the building, I feel a hand pulling me by the arm. Before I can react, Tobias and I are already in a hidden part of the corridor. A place where we both know, no one’s going to look for us.

 For a moment, all I can hear is the soft noise that comes from the Hall. It’s the only thing that makes this little grey alley less scary. That, and Tobias’s presence. Even not seeing well because of the lack of light, I know he’s here. I always feel safer with someone beside me. I guess we all do.

 “You came.” Tobias said, cutting the silence. I don’t know if he was expecting me to ignore, or if he didn’t want me here in the first place.

 “Wasn’t that the intention?”

 For the first time since we’re here, I can see him. His clothes make it hard to see where the wall ends, and Tobias starts. “It was. Of course it was.” He replies, putting himself in front of me, folding his arms. As far as I can tell, that’s his normal position. It says that he’s tough, and nothing can tear him down. Although, I know that’s not entirely true.

 “Are you going to tell me why I’m here? The ceremony is almost starting.” I remind.

 “Yes. Of course.” For the first time, I see Tobias fighting with his words. In a day like this, the pressure is just too high. “I don’t know what to do. I want to get out of here, have my freedom back but… I was borne here. I don’t know what’s out there. I’m scared Beatrice.

 By the way his arms are flexed, and his eyes seem to avoid mine, I know that it’s hard for him to admit something as vulnerable as fear. But deep inside, that’s what we both are. Vulnerable, without power to oppose against the decisions they made for us, without weapons or arguments that we can use. Nothing, but this; the opportunity to leave Abnegation, and put an end to all this.

 Slowly, like I’m getting closer to a scared child, I walk toward Tobias. “I know it’s hard. But I can’t choose for you. Only you know what your weaknesses and strengths are. What you’re willing to do, and not. Only you can decide your fate”

 I try hard to keep my voice calm. After all, I don’t like the idea of Tobias going to other faction. It would be one of the few times that one of ours leaves. Most of us stay, and dedicate our lives helping the others, for the community. At least that’s how most of us see it. But there’s also a part of me that wants to see him out of this word. I know that he’s not happy here. That probably he wasn’t born to wear these grey clothes.

 Minutes pass without a word from Tobias. He just stares the wall behind me, like the cracks in it have the answer to his problems. Probably they can help more than I do.

 “Sometimes I ask myself if it would be that bad. Live the rest of my life with you, I mean. Get out of home everyday to occupy my place in the government, see our children running in the garden while they’re still young and they can.” He still doesn’t look at me. He’s eyes are still locked in the wall, leaving me with his words. “But then I realize that I can’t. That way I would be giving myself to my father. I would be agreeing to what he does, and submitting myself to him. And I can’t do that. I’m sorry Beatrice, but I can’t.”

 “If that’s what you feel, what keeps you here?” I ask.

 He finally looks at me. His eyes are empty, and at the same time fierce. They know what to do. “Nothing. There’s nothing keeping me here. Thank you for making me see that.”

 So that’s it. He’s leaving. I can’t help but notice that it affects me. A tiny place in my heart is starting to ache. It’s like seeing a long time mate disappear, and without him, I can’t fight. There’s no point if there’s no more battles. At last that’s what I say to myself. I can’t stand the idea of being something else. “If that’s what you want, then you have my support”

 Rare were the times were I saw an honest smile in Tobias’s lips. This was one of those times. When he wants, his smile is sweet. It doesn’t suit his posture, but it’s still beautiful.

 “Thank you. But I don’t want you to forget what we’ve been through; t the motive why we met each other. So, I want to give you something.”

 Tobias leans forward. Before I realize what’s happening, his lips are in mine. They don’t move, and mine follow his lead.  His lips are just pressed against mine, and that is it. I don’t know when my brain realizes that someone’s kissing me, but by then, Tobias is already as far from me as the tiny space allows.

 I can still feel the ghost of his lips in mine when he speaks “I’m sorry if I crossed the line, but I couldn’t leave this place without doing this. Be brave, Beatrice” He gives me one last smile, and walks way from me, heading back to the Hall.

 I can’t control my silly smile. I liked this kiss. Maybe more than I should. After all, this is was we were trying to avoid.

 With my head still spinning, and the feeling like I’m fluting, I go back to the chair next to my parents. I ignore Caleb’s questions, and turn so I can have a good vision of Tobias. He’s staring the stage like he wants to memorize it. That, or this year’s speech, given by one of Amity members is really interesting. As soon as he climbs up those stairs, everything will be over. I won’t be engaged anymore, and Marcus will lose his son. A betrayal like this will never be forgotten, especially among someone as traditional as Abnegation.

 As Tobias climbs up the steps, I ask myself what faction he will choose. Candor, Erudite, Dauntless or Amity. To be honest, I can’t see him in neither of them. But I also don’t see him in Abnegation. He would have to have his own faction. 

 He passes in the middle of the barrels. As soon as he receives the knife, he cuts a little part of his skin, letting his blood play outside. We exchange a last look, and before I realize, his blood paints the burning coal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

The clock sounds like every morning. I always hated that annoying noise that wakes me up every morning. Not because it takes me away from the only palace where I can do whatever I want, but because it reminds me of trains.

 This could be just another normal day. The clock sounds, I get up for school, learn about the factions and how important they are, and go home do my duty as an Abnegation citizen. But I know that today isn’t one of those days. When I walk out of my door, I might not come back. That’s the beauty of the Choosing Ceremony. Some of us don’t know if we come back or not.

 After I prepare myself decently, I go downstairs where I know my breakfast waits for me. In a day like this, our parents do anything to keep our minds away from anything other than our choice.

 I sit next to Caleb who already has his plate in front of him, though it seems untouched.  His stare is far away from here. I know that today is an important day, but I also know that my brother is a natural Abnegation. At least that’s what his actions say. Only Caleb knows what’s inside his heart.

 Because I need energy to make it through today, I try at least eat a few spoons. But even those get in my mouth in auto pilot.

 My mind is in yesterday’s Aptitude Test. The wired result kept me awake all night. And as soon as I fell asleep, nightmares where grey, black and blue hands that pulled me to different directions, didn’t let me rest properly. Erudite, Abnegation and Dauntless. Apparently I fit in all three. The Dauntless women that made me the test, Tori I believe, called me Divergent. But what are Divergents? People who fit in more than one faction? Is that why we’re dangerous? Because that would tear down the theory that factions is the best system?

 And there’s still Tobias. Since he left, I have this dream where he comes back, always by train. But when he lands in front of me, he’s still in his Abnegation clothes. In my dream, he always has a smile for me. What happens next depends on the days. Sometimes, he takes me by the hand, and walks with me through a Chicago without factions, and on the others; he’s crushed by a bus. And Marcus is always the driver. I don’t know what to think about these dreams that have been haunting my mind in the past two years. But the truth is that, sometimes, I find myself missing the months we spent together. Either fighting or supporting each other.

 Because of thoughts like these, I don’t hear my mom when she speaks to me. “Yes? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening” I say, quickly grabbing my spoon. She just smiles, and sits beside me.

 “I was just wondering how you feel. If you’re prepared for the next hours.”

 I think about her question for a bit. If there’s something I’m not, is ready.   I don’t know what to do. Since the beginning, Erudite is not an option. I would have to support the corruption that runs in those halls, and I wouldn’t be able to live in those conditions. This leaves me between Abnegation and Dauntless.

 “I have a small idea.” I don’t want to worry her even more. It is difficult for her to see both of her children face the Choosing Ceremony. “What about you, Caleb?”

 When I turn, Caleb is not next to me anymore. I must have been so lost in my thoughts, that I didn’t notice his exit. I’m so focused on my problems to notice my brother’s. Maybe his eyes have been lost in the future, and his mind filled with doubts too. And here I am, not helping him. Does that make me a bad person? Focusing only in my problems, even not being the only one having them?

 I feel a hand rest in my shoulder. When I turn, I meet my mother’s concerned look. I know that with just one look, she can see what my soul hides, and in this moment, it’s as black as the coffee drank by the Erudite to keep them awake. “Don’t worry Beatrice. Your father and I will love you no matter what you decide to do. We just want what’s best for you.”

 I know that she’s only trying to help, but in this moment, nothing can cheer me.

 

 Because we only have to get out at 2pm, I decide to go to our little garden. It’s a little space with bright, flowerless green grass. When I asked my father why we don’t have flowers in our little garden, he just said that their beauty would distract us from what’s truly important. The only decorative piece that we have is a grey bench, in which no one can rely on.

 I sit on the grass, hugging my knees. I always liked to see the sunset here. The wall that separates our house from the on next to ours is low enough to match the sky line, which allows me to see everything. It’s a little pleasure that I shouldn’t allow myself to have.

 If I wasn’t paying attention to the sound that the leaves do when the wind dances between them, I probably wouldn’t have heard the light sound of what could only be steps.

 Without even remember ordering it to my brain, I’m already standing on my feet, letting my tunic cover my legs again. My senses are more awake than ever, ready to react to the now louder steps. I fee the sweat running down my forehead. I’m not ready to fight if necessary. I know that it’s stupid to think that this can come to a fight. After all, I’m in Abnegation, and violence is completely forbidden here. Just like violating privet property.

“Beatrice! Here Beatrice!”

 In a matter of seconds, the images and thoughts about self defence are quickly dissipated. That voice, even though it’s thicker, and maturer than I remember, is one of the few voices that I would recognize in any circumstances.

 Tobias.

 I feel myself being pulled behind the only tree we have in the yard. They let us have one because they give us oxygen, otherwise I doubt they would let us have something so simple, but at the same time so complex.

 When I look up, I only confirm what I already know. It is, in fact, Tobias. But he’s different though. He doesn’t look like that reserved guy I met two years ago. Tobias is very different now. His clothes changed, of course, but somehow they still reflect his humble Abnegation soul. He let his hair grow, and his eyes look as blue as in the first day I saw him. But they hold much more secrets now.

 “Tobias” From everything I want to say, his name is the only thing that finds the way to my voice. Not all these months without him, nor the doubts that have been haunting my head ever since, put other words in my mouth. 

 “Tobias… that name is so far away from me. They call me Four now.” He answers. His voice sounds thoughtful. Memories of a long lost past.

 “Four? You’re named after a number now?”

 “It’s a long story.”

 I’m surprised when I see a smile on his lips. Even being a little tough and weary, is more than I saw during the time were we traced stupid plans, to pun an end to an absurd idea. 

 Suddenly, the reality hits me, as strong as a moving train. I’m in my back yard with a boy that isn’t even supposed to be in this part of the town. Those realisations fill my chest with concerns. That makes me grab Tobias’s hand, and pull him until we’re kneeling in front of each other, only with a naked and old tree hiding our silhouettes.

 “Are you crazy!? Do you know how risky it is for you to be here?” Though my voice sounds much less authoritarian as I would like, my visual concern does the trick. Tobias becomes more visibly alert. His eyes try to unfold every corner, looking for a possible treat to eliminate. I notice that his posture looks more Dauntless alike. It wasn’t just his looks that were taken by the brave ones around here.

 “I know it’s risky.” His eyes finally land on me. “But I couldn’t miss your Choosing Ceremony, could I? At last not without you listen what I have to tell.

 Curiosity burns my soul, and weights on my tongue. I really want to ask him what brings him to me, but I don’t know if I want to find out. Not when my feelings are so confused. And especially not in such an important day.

 Noticing my silence, Tobias decides to carry one. “I remember my Choosing Ceremony. The pressure that we feel when the knife is handed to us is just too heavy. A symbol that, no matter what our choice is our life will change forever. But if you ask me, what moment I remember better, the one that I can quote each word, each move, I won’t tell you about my jump for the train, or the arrival to the headquarters. No. I will cite every line of our last conversation. That’s what my mind absorbed. And to be honest, it’s the only thing that I remember clearly from that day. You.”

 My eyes widen in the first line. I always though Tobias’s Choosing Ceremony was like a taboo subject for him. Especially after the circumstances that led him to leave the faction that gave him shelter for sixteen years. And much less I would think that our conversation was so important to him. Of course there was the kiss. But I never really understood what it meant to him, and why he kissed me in first place.

 I feel my hands dig up a little plant that has no fault in what’s happening to me, or my life. Dig my fingers in the ground sends me back to an unconcerned childhood. The faction choosing was something as far as death and feeling like lost our regret were unknown to me.

 “I… I think a lot about that conversation too.” I admit without looking him the eye. “But that doesn’t change anything. I’m still Beatrice Prior. The girl you were once engaged with, and that you got rid of when you changed faction. You’re free Tobias. Why go back to something that it’s buried?

 I swear I can see an honest smile. How did I never notice that I smile when he smiles? Was I too focused on pushing him away, that I never noticed that I wanted him close?

 Without realizing, Tobias’s hands are in mine, though they’re still on the dirt. His hands are still has worm as when our touches were accidental.

 “Just like at first you didn’t realize you were digging that plant, I didn’t realize I was doing the same with the past. Our past. And just like you, I keep doing it even though I know it’s wrong. But what I did has much more consequences than just the death on a plant. I messed with feelings that I never thought I had. I found myself dreaming that you would come to my door, all dressed in black, and ready to be in my arms. I just need you with me. Or paths crossed, and I was so determined to separate them that I didn’t realize I liked them together. And I apologize for that.”

 I let him talk. In fact, I just don’t know that to say. What can one say in a situation like this? That I’m sorry for the fact that we didn’t thought about it like we should, and that now I regret it too? Is that the truth? I don’t know. Lately my head is a big ball of confusion.

 I feel the wind dance with my hair as I get up. My hands are still full of dirt, mixed with the green from the plant that I just killed. I know that I should leave. Not listen one more word. But I can’t bring myself to do it. My feet look like they’re stuck in the ground.

 “There’s nothing we can do. That illusion of yours is impossible. I’m here, you are there… it’s just impossible. “I say, trying that my voice sounds as tough as the stone that covers the hole I wished I was in right now.

 “Beatrice, that isn’t true.” Tobias rises as well. His eyes never leave mine, which only makes me more nervous. “If you feel the same as I do, or something close to that, join me. Black, grey… it doesn’t matter. I need you by my side. You were the only person that knew me as Tobias, and didn’t step back. Maybe it was because of the arranged marriage, but you stayed. You carried that burden with me. And that connected me to you. I really don’t want to lose that connection. Beatrice I beg you to considerate that – “

 “Stop, Stop STOPT!” I interrupt, covering my ears. I know it’s childish, but I don’t care. “I’m confused enough already. I don’t know what to do, I have no idea what road separates me from my destiny. Please don’t make this harder.”

 Tobias’s expression will be forever imprinted in my brain. His mature traces can’t hide the soul of the lost, lonely boy I met when I was fourteen. I know that he’s probably a brave and valorous man now, able to manipulate any weapon. His body shows it well. But the sixteen year old boy is still there. And he’s begging me to go with him.

 Far away, like the yard was a greenhouse, I can hear my mother’s steps. Probably she’s just looking for me. I can’t let her see Tobias. Who knows what her reaction would be.

 “You have to go. My mother’s looking for me, and she won’t take too long to find me.” My voice gets out in a mix of confused words. I’m surprised that Tobias understood me.

 I don’t even care about saying goodbye to Tobias before I leave the curtain that is our tree. But he doesn’t let me, and pulls me to him. Once again, we’re too close. I can feel each inch of his body against mine, and his soft breath in my hair.

 Just like two years ago, he presses his lips against mine. But unlike our last kiss, this one has a touch of passion in it. The fiscal form of fear of not feeling it again, and the relief of having it once more. And that comes from me too.

 Even when we break apart, Tobias doesn’t let me go. He’s still as close as he was before or maybe even more. His forehead rests against mine, and his eyes are still closed, capturing the moment. But I want to see him while I can. While I allow it to myself.

 “I’m not going to be at the ceremony. I have to go back to the headquarters to receive this year’s initiates. Nothing would make me happier than see you among them. If you were there, I can assure you that I won’t let you go. Ever again.

 It is with that promise that he gives me one last kiss, this time in my forehead, reminding me that he’ll be there to protect me if I want.

 And then, just smoke, he vanished between my fingers.

 

I never noticed how uncomfortable this chairs are. Maybe that’s because I never felt as nervous as I am now. The hall, with a slightly curved wall never seemed so suffocating. The speech took too long, and I can swear that the barrels have teeth this year, ready to eat me alive.

 Beside me, Caleb watches the Ceremony with a very abstract look. I feel a little bit of jealousy toward him. My brother has a natural gift. I wish I was like that. I love our values. What we do and why we do it. But the other factions have so many temptations.

 Without realizing, my mind haunts me with images of Tobias. He’s in Dauntless waiting for me. It’s wired to have someone expecting our arrival. Especially someone that left my life two years ago.

 I come back to the real word when I hear the surprising gasps that come from the audience. I join them when I see the motive.

 On stage, Caleb has his hand above the barrel full of water, now painted in a darker shade of pink. I take a moment to realize what it means. My perfect Abnegation brother is now an Erudite. How can I think about changing faction in these conditions? I’m not selfish enough to leave my parents without both of their children.

 

_My name is called._

**Or am I? Am I selfish by nature?**

_I feel the steps under my feet._

**But I can’t go against my beliefs as Abnegation.**

_Someone hands me the knife._

**Tobias is waiting for me on the other side of the town.**

_I feel the blood running down as soon as I make the cut._

**My parents need me.**

_I walk to the barrels. Five barrels…. Five choices._

**Why is the price of freedom so high?**

_My hand rises, painting the floor beneath me._

**I might not be a perfect Abnegation, but part of my soul wears grey.**

_For brief moments, my hand hovers above the burning coal, and the grey stones._

**When Tobias looked at me, he assured his decision two years ago. But he’s not here today. He’s waiting for me in Dauntless.**

_Too quick, my blood covers the stones. ._

**But he’ll never receive me.**


	4. Chapter 4

The loud conversations fill the air with tangible excitement. Dauntless is ready to receive this years initiates.  The arrival of fresh new blood is exiting, and we make sure to show it in the only way we know how; making as much noise as possible and give the poor sixteen years olds the opportunity to jump off the top of a roof. I remember the nerves trying to take over me and my body in the moment I had to jump, and how hard I fought to keep them out. Until today I still can’t admit to myself how scared I was. I could only think about the darkness that awaited me in the emptiness, and what would happen to me if I actually survived. Deep down, I was afraid of the Dauntless. These people that always wear black, had have more ink in their bodies than actual skin, and live for the adrenaline. Now I understand them; what doesn’t mean that my fear got away.

“Are you alright, Four?” Lauren asks me, laying her strong hand in my shoulder. I’m conscious that I’m a bit more distracted than I should, but I can’t avoid it.

“Yes. I’m just exited.” I lie in the best way I know how. If there’s something this place taught me was how to tell a good lie. In a world like this, lies are something as natural as breathing, and we never know what the truth holds.

 Lauren shrugs and walks away from me to join a group of chatting boys, only to get back to her place seconds after, when we start hearing the shrill whistle of the train in the background.

 To everyone around me, that train is loaded with new souls that will devote themselves to a life full of adrenaline and risks; but for me, it brings hope with it. Hope off a future next to the only person that ever understood me, in a way that even I can’t.

 I hear the train slowing down, never really stopping to let the transfers out. After all, being Dauntless is taking every challenge with a smirk in our lips, no matter how insane or risky it might seem. It’s looking at every challenge like a proof we give to ourselves, and if these kids choose us, it’s because they have it in their blood. Or so we hope.

 My heart races as fast as the initiates’. The anxiety runs in my veins and makes my breathing speed up. Max’s usual speech plays in my head, waiting for the part where he tells them to jump down from a sever floor building, with no guarantee there’s something down here to catch them. They say the bravest jump first, but I like to think they’re the craziest. The one’s who have something to prove, even if it’s just to themselves.

 I ask myself when Beatrice will jump. Negative thoughts where she’ll never have to do such thing are immediately repelled by my subconscious.

 The first initiate jumps. He’s a robust boy from Candor, big enough to break a cement wall. If it wasn’t for his white and black clothes, he could easily be mistaken by one of ours.

 I help the boy like my duty requires, though he refuses my help. “What’s your name?” I ask as soon as his feet touch the ground.

 “Edward” He answers me, apparently without thinking. A lot of us change our names when we change factions. Some voluntarily, some not.

 I announce the first jumper to the cheering crowd. The volume of the clapping and whistling became so high, that it’s almost impossible to bear. It’s in times like this that I miss Abnegation; I never liked crowds or noise. The soft Abnegation rhythm was printed in my skin since young age, contrasting with the fresh ink that paints my body nowadays. All this make it very hard to get used to the Dauntless and their racing lives. If I knew what I know today, I would have never let my blood touch the burning coal. I would have resisted to the sweet melody of freedom, that nothing brought me but confusion. I would have married Beatrice, and been happy. All that if I hadn’t been a tough head, and rejected my fate as a broken toy.

 The initiates keep jumping. They land with a sigh of relief, as they try to slow down their pulsing hearts and pretend that a sixty five feet fall is nothing. But I can see their panicked eyes; Maybe it’s because mines already had the same expression. Now, they’re fierce at day and vulnerable at night, when no one can see them.

 But at each new initiate expression, they forget that the sun still shines on the other side of these dark walls, and show what they always hide. And I know that they won’t change until I see her. The one person I miss most in the world. More than I’m proud to admit.

 Too soon, Max falls into the net. And with him, my world.

 Around me, various people ran their hand in my back as they carry on with their way, hoping that I follow them. But I can’t. My eyes are still glued to the source of light that comes from above. In my mind, a blond figure will fall at any moment, blinding me momentarily. She will fall in the net, which soon will be replaced by my arms. I will hug her tight just to be sure she’s real. And for the first time in two long years, I will smile. She’ll be a turning point in my life. The second chance that fate will give me to be happy, since I was too stupid to take it at first. And, at last, I will say good bye to this emptiness I feel inside, and welcome the heat that I so desperately miss.

 Minutes pass with the wind, without my notice. It is only when I see three crows flying in the blue sky, that I take my punishment. A life without Beatrice. 


End file.
